From: Michael McShane <>
Subject: Jazz, Octopus Balls, and Stew
To: (simona)
Date: Tue, 12 Mar 96 18:23:55 JST
Hey Huggs, those are Bunny Girls! This is another story!

Tokyo Elevator Girls

On the front page NY Times there was a fascinating article about the high, shrill voices of some Japanese females. A reporter named Ms. Saito said that Japanese males are attracted by high voices and girlish behaviour which some females then emulate. But one 15-year-old girl quoted in the article said: "When I hear women with that voice, I want to kick their heads in." But what a waste that would be!! Wouldn't it be extra fine to marry a Japanese department store elevator girl, who are about the closest a human bean can come to being a robot. Just think about coming home, and she opens the door with her arm held up forming a right angle at the elbow, welcomes you with that sweet high artificial voice and fake smile, does a perfectly geometrical bow perfected after years of learning to bow at the perfect angle on one of those bow training machines, wears one of those cute like pink mini-skirts with a jaunty little hat, and continuously repeats: "Ue e mairimasu, ue de gozaimasu. Shita e mairimasu, shita de gozaimasu." and, "Irasshaimase, konnichiwa." "Going up, this is up, going down, this is down. Welcome. Good Afternoon". Now that is heaven when ya think about it. And I would hold my nose and immitate a nasal JR train conductor announcer and say, "Honey, uchi kaerimashita"!! A blissful, brainless couple. In fact, after I get my digital camera, I'm going around to all the Tokyo department stores taking pictures and interviewing various elevator girls, and making a "Tokyo Elevator Girl" Web Page, and hopefully kill two birds with one stone by finding my future wife. Haw haw!! Or is there already such a Web page? The only American woman I know that is in same league as an Elevator Girl is Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune and it just completely turns me on when she says things like: "My job is not all that difficult, but I do have to know the entire alphabet." Just kidding. Nanchatte!! I feel sorry for Japanese elevator girls. Imagine if you had to be crammed into one of those cattle cars for several hours a day in the world's most god-awful uniform going up and down, up and down. You'd have to shut down your brain or you'd go crazy. I think it would be a good job for someone like Homer Simpson ("Car goes up, car goes down. Car goes up, car goes down. Car goes up...") Some Kentucky budsters and I are buying some land adjacent to Mammoth Cave National Park and in a couple of years will open up Caveland Film Studios to make ridiculous low budget fine films. Maybe first movie will be about an elevator girl who starts to go psycho from the pressure and rebels against the system. She starts closing the elevator before old ladies can get on, tells people the wrong floor for merchandise, refuses to stop at the fourth floor. Finally she holds a carful of people hostage between floors. When the police storm the elevator shaft, her skillful control of the buttons allows her to crush the police above and below her. And finally she escapes to the streets in Shinjuku where she runs screaming like a lunatic until she is spotted by Mr. Huggsie. And they live happily ever after plus she introduces two other gorgeous skimpy clothes wearing elevator girls to Mr. Huggsie and they go terrorizing skyscapers around the world and become known as Mr. Huggsie's Elevator Angels. In one episode, they even kill Godzilla by crushing his head between dual high speed up and down elevators. Can't wait for the episode when they destroy and annihilate the Energizer Bunny!! Another idea is to develop a country-fried sequel titled: "MR. HUGGSIE AND THE GRAIN ELEVATOR GIRLS ". Special K says: "We should give these Elevator Girls (EGs) a break. It's a job, and somebody has to do it." Well, in some countries, it seems like the general populace has become advanced enough to operate elevators themselves and to figure out which floor to get out on. But guess it is part of Japan's full employment policy. Special K says: For some, it might be bridal training, for others, this might be their only way of making a living. In any case, I don't think there is any need to feel like "kicking head in." Good point, Special K. I have been discussing EGs out the yin yang for past few days, and here is what I have figured out: EGs are Zen Masters who have perfected the technique of making their minds blank in noisy difficult uncomfortable (taihen) environments. Only human beans adept at extreme mind self-control could possibly do such a job. These woman are actually 33rd order Masons or "Clear" Scientologists or Illuminati. Huggs (with goal of becoming Tokyo's first gaijin elevator boy) McShane Special thanks to JF, Boo-chan, Chris, Colin, and Kuo for ideas.
-- * This is Michael McShane (nickname: Huggs) in Tokyo. Thank you. * From Kentucky, Oregon, New Mexico. Often visits WV and Hawaii. * Lifestyle: walks a tight rope between ecstasy and despair. * Other Nicknames: Shogun of Fun, Party Word Made Flesh, Face, Brain, Snow-white Heifer with Gilded Horns, Hatchet-head * Loves to: sit on porch, drink lube units, eat fried okry, and yell, "Come help us drink this kaaaaaaaag"!!