From: Michael McShane <email@example.com>
Subject: Jazz, Octopus Balls, and Stew
To: firstname.lastname@example.org (simona)
Date: Tue, 12 Mar 96 18:23:55 JST
Hey Huggs, those are Bunny Girls! This is another story!
Tokyo Elevator Girls
On the front page NY Times
there was a fascinating article
about the high, shrill voices
of some Japanese females. A reporter
named Ms. Saito said that
Japanese males are attracted
by high voices and girlish behaviour which
some females then emulate.
But one 15-year-old girl quoted in the article said:
"When I hear women with that voice,
I want to kick their heads in."
But what a waste that would be!!
Wouldn't it be extra fine to marry a
Japanese department store elevator girl,
who are about the closest
a human bean can come to being a robot.
Just think about coming home, and
she opens the door with her arm held up
forming a right angle at the elbow,
welcomes you with
that sweet high artificial voice and fake smile,
does a perfectly
geometrical bow perfected after years of learning
to bow at the perfect angle on one
of those bow training machines,
wears one of those cute like
pink mini-skirts with a jaunty little
hat, and continuously repeats:
"Ue e mairimasu, ue de gozaimasu.
Shita e mairimasu, shita de gozaimasu."
and, "Irasshaimase, konnichiwa."
"Going up, this is up, going down,
this is down. Welcome. Good Afternoon".
Now that is heaven when ya think about
it. And I would hold my nose and immitate a nasal
JR train conductor announcer and say,
"Honey, uchi kaerimashita"!!
A blissful, brainless couple.
In fact, after I get my digital camera,
I'm going around to all the Tokyo department
stores taking pictures and interviewing various elevator
girls, and making a "Tokyo Elevator Girl" Web Page,
and hopefully kill two birds with one stone
by finding my future wife. Haw haw!!
Or is there already such a Web page?
The only American woman I know that is in
same league as an Elevator Girl
is Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune and it
just completely turns me on when she says
"My job is not all that difficult,
but I do have to know the entire alphabet."
Just kidding. Nanchatte!!
I feel sorry for Japanese elevator girls.
Imagine if you had to be crammed into
one of those cattle cars for
several hours a day in the world's
most god-awful uniform going up and down,
up and down. You'd have to shut down
your brain or you'd go crazy. I think
it would be a good job for someone
like Homer Simpson ("Car goes up, car
goes down. Car goes up, car goes down.
Car goes up...")
Some Kentucky budsters and I are buying
some land adjacent to Mammoth Cave National Park and
in a couple of years will open up Caveland Film Studios
to make ridiculous low budget fine films.
Maybe first movie will be about an
elevator girl who starts to go psycho from
the pressure and rebels against the system.
She starts closing the elevator
before old ladies can get on,
tells people the wrong floor for merchandise,
refuses to stop at the fourth floor.
Finally she holds a carful of people
hostage between floors.
When the police storm the elevator shaft, her
skillful control of the buttons allows
her to crush the police above and
And finally she escapes to the streets
in Shinjuku where she runs screaming
like a lunatic until she is spotted
by Mr. Huggsie. And they live happily
ever after plus she introduces two
other gorgeous skimpy clothes wearing
elevator girls to Mr. Huggsie
and they go terrorizing skyscapers
around the world and become
known as Mr. Huggsie's Elevator Angels.
In one episode, they even kill
Godzilla by crushing his head
between dual high speed up and
down elevators. Can't wait
for the episode when they
destroy and annihilate the Energizer Bunny!!
Another idea is to develop a country-fried sequel titled:
"MR. HUGGSIE AND THE GRAIN ELEVATOR GIRLS ".
Special K says:
"We should give these Elevator Girls (EGs) a break.
It's a job, and somebody has to do it."
Well, in some countries, it seems like the general
populace has become advanced enough to operate
elevators themselves and to figure out
which floor to get out on. But guess it is part
of Japan's full employment policy.
Special K says: For some, it might be bridal training,
for others, this might be
their only way of making a living.
In any case, I don't think there is
any need to feel like "kicking head in."
Good point, Special K.
I have been discussing
EGs out the yin yang for past
few days, and here is what
I have figured out:
EGs are Zen Masters who have perfected
the technique of making their minds
blank in noisy difficult uncomfortable (taihen) environments.
Only human beans adept at extreme
mind self-control could possibly
do such a job. These woman are
actually 33rd order Masons or
"Clear" Scientologists or Illuminati.
Huggs (with goal of becoming
Tokyo's first gaijin elevator boy) McShane
Special thanks to JF, Boo-chan, Chris, Colin, and Kuo
* This is Michael McShane (nickname: Huggs) in Tokyo. Thank you.
* From Kentucky, Oregon, New Mexico. Often visits WV and Hawaii.
* Lifestyle: walks a tight rope between ecstasy and despair.
* Other Nicknames: Shogun of Fun, Party Word Made Flesh, Face, Brain,
Snow-white Heifer with Gilded Horns, Hatchet-head
* Loves to: sit on porch, drink lube units, eat fried okry,
and yell, "Come help us drink this kaaaaaaaag"!!