 the producer (Mr. Drake) and the director (Mr. Huggs) |
Below is a description of the first low budget film that will be made by Shogun of Fun Productions at the Wigwam Village Studios in Cave City, Kentucky. If you have ideas to add to this, of course, your name will appear in credits if your idea is used. |
Lightning Bolt Amen
This is a true story,
but might evolve into
historical fiction depending
on your ideas.
Hoping to get Brad Pitt to play
part of Mr. Huggsie.
And I will do a cameo role as leader
of the Christ Family.
COUCH HITCH-HIKING IN THE WEST
with the Davenport family.
I am asking Mr. Sherman to turn
the time machine back to 1980, back to days
when I was living in Oregon and New Mexico,
and would, at the drop of a goober, jump
into a car on impulse to
drive 500 miles to hang out at a desolate, dusty
Jack-a-lope statue or pick white strawberries
at midnight. Or would spend entire summers
with daily goal of just getting from one hot spring
to the next all over the American West
or British Columbia, Canada.
One road story stands out.
Background:
*A bunch of
us from Reed College in Portland, OR got
a contract to plant trees in Summer of 1980
in the Colville National Forest in
Eastern Washington.
*Mount St. Helens blew up while we
were out there and covered us in
a couple of inches of ash.
*It messed up my car, which four
of us planned on using to go to
a fiddle festival in Weiser Idaho
after we finished planting trees.
*We had a big gold velvetine couch
by our campfire on which we sat
each night and debated how we
were gonna divide up the money, which
was more draining than actually hiking
up and down the mountains planting trees all day
because half were capitalist (wanted
to divide money according to how many
trees each person planted) and half
were socialists (wanted to divide
the money equally).
Wow, am I digressing.
Anyway, we decided to hitchhike
on the couch.
Story:
The couch was a perfect vehicle for
four people to hitch-hike on.
We tied up all our belongings
(pots, pans, sleeping bags, tents, food, clothes, etc)
up inside the couch to the box springs.
So it was like a big backpack for
four people.
And rides were so easy to come by.
Took the back roads, so there
were many pickup trucks.
So many people stopped!!
Mainly just to ask what we were doing.
And if they could give us a ride,
they did.
This situation looked so surreal.
They had plowed the roads to
clear the ash, and it was piled
up on edge of road about 3 feet
high. And the whole country-side was
blanketed with gray ash
and looked like the moon.
And to top it off, here were
four knuckleheads on their big
gold couch sitting by the side of
the road.
The first people to pick us up
were Spud and Sarah, and they
ending up taking us home to
their farm and fixing us
a fine home cooked meal.
Back on the road again, and
rides were short, but came
easy. And sometimes didn't
even care if we got a ride.
People stopped, sat on our couch,
partied with us, kicked back, drank lube units,
and ate peanuts. Such a comfortable couch!!
The police stopped four times, twice to
ask us what we were doing, and twice they
had come out just to take our picture, and
said it would be in their home town paper.
A guy named Duane picked us up, and told
us that his hometown, White Bird, Idaho was
having its town fesitival that weekend,
so we headed over to that fine little village,
and set up a couch camp right in the town
park, but it started raining so we set
up in Duane's car repair garage.
Got a great picture on his car lift,
with 3 people sitting on couch,
and other person was down below with a wrench
acting like he was working on the couch.
What a triple-hissy-fit-five-megaton-PMS hoot that was.
The town treated us like special royalty.
Great food, such as a jillion kinds of tater
salad (it's Idaho you know!!), and fun, triple
leg sack race, etc.
THE CHRIST FAMILY
We spent 3 days in White Bird,
but unfortunately had to head out
so we could leisurely make it to the fiddle festival.
It was a dreary rainy day, ash was
becoming mud, and for the first time,
we were having a hard time getting a ride.
Finally, a big white van pulled up,
and we looked in. A guy wearing a white
robe with a Star of David and an army blanket
on his shoulders said,
"Welcome to heaven brothers and sisters".
And I looked back in the van and saw
five more in the same garb with glazed
looks in their eyes.
And I thought, whoa nelly!! What if they
kidnap us, mail my ear to my dad, who
demands more proof. Ouch, like when a sesame
seed gets under your dentures!!
But ignorance being a renewable resource,
we decided to go with the flow.
They told us to leave our couch behind
because it was the anti-Christ. We refused.
They gave in, and finally we strapped couch to top
of van. There were six of them, and last
name was Christ, as in Joe Christ, Jane Christ, etc.
They hated our couch!!
They were complete
vegetarian. No animals or animal products.
But they loved PEPSI and COOL WHIP, which
they called "RIGHTEOUS food" because these
are pure chemical products.
And the leader was a road maniac, yelling and
waving, and cajoling everything in sight.
We pulled up behind a guy who had a
"Honk if ya wanna see my finger" sticker
on his bumper, and the fearless leader
started honking the van horn like
a zen lunatic.
We asked our hosts where they were going?
"We got nowhere to go and forever to get there".
And even though it was totally gnarly, gloomy weather,
they were always talking about how fine it was
and continuously said, "Lightning Bolt Amen"!!
At first, we thought they might be some tricksters
on their way to the next Dead concert.
And we tried to pull their leg a bit by
telling that our couch was a sacred object
and we were sponsored by the
"Society for the Ethical Treatment of Stuff Animals".
But they were totally consistent in their act,
so we became convinced they were serious.
We asked where they got their fine van?
"Good gave it to us."
And they stopped at a root beer stand,
and got free root beers "in the name of God",
and got vouchers for free gasoline from the local
Salvation Army.
Got so confused we didn't know whether to wind
our butt, or scratch our watch, but
were having such a bizarre blast that we didn't
even mind when we started going the wrong way
back into Washington to town of Pullman.
The head guy went to a radio station at the small
university there and immediately was able to
get interviewed live as we sat out in the van
and listened to him on the radio as he told
about the unusual "Way of the Christ Family".
After being with them for a couple of days,
they said we had to choose, "Leave
your anti-Christ couch behind, put on white robes,
and follow us, or we'll leave you
beside road with your couch."
We huddled and talked about what a trippy
fun time we were having.
Our philosoply was same as St. Augustine in the brothel,
"Save us Lord, but not yet".
Agreed to put on
white robes, but not leave behind couch.
We were having a blast playing along
with what they were doing, and wanted
to stay with them longer. But
they would not compromise, so we
got out.
I'm just about tuckered out and had
better stop here.
Lightning Bolt Amen fellow gooberheads,
The "Deep Fried and Sanctified, Redeemed by his Rolex"
ROAD SCHOLAR, Mr. Huggsie